Off the Rails

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Heavy sleeper

A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way to Buffalo. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict instructions to awaken him and put him off in Buffalo.

"I am a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and I may give you a hard time, but I have an extremely important corporate meeting to attend. Make sure you put me off in Buffalo – even if you have to throw me off on my pajamas."

The next morning the man woke up to find himself in Cleveland. He located the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take the verbal abuse. "That weren’t nothin’," the porter replied. You should’ve heard the guy I put off in Buffalo!"


It was a bright summer Sunday, and the Blonde arrived at the country station, on her way to visit her aunt. At one end of the station, a brunette is on the tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".

With some time to kill, the blonde decided to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".

Suddenly, there's a train whistle, and the brunette she jumps off the tracks, leaving the blonde to be splattered all over the place.

The following Sunday, at another station, there's a brunette, jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22" "22".
[hair colours may have been changed to protect the guilty]

Safety First

A man was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. At every station, he got off to buy a ticket to the next station. When the train reached Delhi, one of the other passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying one ticket for the entire journey. The man replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys.

Tourist Travails

A lone American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.

The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young man, don't bother us, go away."

The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through the train and still can't find a seat. He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again: "Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please let me sit down."

The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right now I'll call the Guard and have you removed".

By now the American has had enough. He picks up the poodle by the scruff of its neck and throws it out of the train window.

All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American soldier and the English woman.

The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange. First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window."

Cattle Gridlock

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.

A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells,

"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Painful truth

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

The Conductor's Tale

There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. He was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. The man landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. He did it again, and nothing happened. By law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution.

It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any traces of banana, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest. The law is the law; they had to let him go.

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. And it was not long before his temper got the better of him. Same old stuff. The old man had no ticket (he "forgot to buy it"). The conductor threw him off the train, and the man died in hospital. The conductor was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.

As before, when it came to his last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners, just to be sure.

They strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead. The prison governor shook his head in disbelief, but authorized his release.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it with the banana!"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas." The executioner screamed, "Then how come you don't die?""I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

Rail Myths
Casey Jones
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