Heavy sleeper
A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way to Buffalo.
As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict
instructions to awaken him and put him off in Buffalo.
"I am a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and
I may give you a hard time, but I have an extremely important corporate
meeting to attend. Make sure you put me off in Buffalo – even if
you have to throw me off on my pajamas."
The next morning the man woke up to find himself in Cleveland. He located
the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the
man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take
the verbal abuse. "That weren’t nothin’," the porter
replied. You should’ve heard the guy I put off in Buffalo!"
Hopscotch?
It was a bright summer Sunday, and the Blonde arrived at the country
station, on her way to visit her aunt. At one end of the station, a brunette
is on the tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21"
"21".
With some time to kill, the blonde decided to join her. She also starts
jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, there's a train whistle, and the brunette she jumps off the
tracks, leaving the blonde to splattered all over the place.
The following Sunday, at another station, there's a brunette, jumping
from rail to rail, counting, 22" "22" "22".
[hair colours may have been changed to protect the guilty]
A Surd was going by train from Delhi to Bombay. He kept getting off at
every station to buy a ticket till the next station.
When the train reached Delhi, the Surd's co-passengers asked him why he
kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire.
The Surd replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys.
Tourist Travails
A lone American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He walks
around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees an English
woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.
The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your
lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young
man, don't bother us, go away."
The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through the
train and still can't find a seat. He goes back to the English woman with
the poodle and asks again: "Please miss, I'll even let the poodle
sit in my lap, just please let me sit down."
The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you to go away and don't
bother us, if you don't get out of here right now I'll call the Guard
and have you removed".
By now the American has had enough. He picks up the poodle by the scruff
of its neck and throws it out of the train window.
All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his newspaper
and watching the exchanges between the American soldier and the English
woman.
The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange.
First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use the wrong
currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window."
Cattle Gridlock
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks
to a complete halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes,
however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the
window and yells,
"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
[based on a Moon Mullins comic strip]
Painful truth
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
The Conductor's Tale
There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. He
was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers.
He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his
ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"
"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident,"
he replied.
"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets." He grabbed
him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. The man
landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor
was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury
of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like
for his last meal. He asked for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate
it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner
strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once,
and nothing happened. He did it again, and nothing happened. By law the
guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor!
One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.
"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.
"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..", said the little boy.
And.. the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and
killed . The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution.
It came to his last day. The death row guard asked him what he would
like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest
gave him last rites. He was escorted to the death chamber. This time,
though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any traces of banana, they washed
up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The
switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller
pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair
raising on the guy's chest. The law is the law; they had to let him go.
Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad. And it was
not long before his temper got the better of him. Same old stuff. The
old man had no ticket (he "forgot to buy it"). The conductor
threw him off the train, and the man died in hospital. The conductor was
arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution.
As before, when it came to his last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate
it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed
his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They
tried the chair on a few other prisoners.
They strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw
the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was
legally dead. The prison governor shook his head in disbelief, but authorized
his release.
But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated
(he'd seen this same guy three times already). asked, "What is it
with the banana!"
The guy replied, "I just like bananas."
The executioner screamed, "Then how come you don't die?"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."
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