Web Weirdity

Three tomatoes are walking down the street; papa tomato, mama tomato, and baby tomato. Baby tomato is lagging behind, papa gets really angry, goes back and squishes him, says "Catch up".
{Featured in Pulp Fiction (1994) dir. Quentin Tarantino)

Someday, I want to build my house on an isthmus, so I can look off to my left and see one ocean, and look off to my right and see another one. The only thing is, I don't want the isthmus to be too narrow. I'm afraid someone would decide to build a canal right through my back yard. So I'm dreaming of a wide isthmus.

A piece of black tarmac goes into a bar and says "Give me a pint and make it quick because I'm hard and scared of no-one".
Just them a piece of red tarmac comes up to the bar and the black piece dashes into the toilet.
After a while he come out and says "Has he gone yet?"
The barman says "What's all this I'm scared of no-one?"
The black tarmac replies "No-one messes with him, he's a cycle-path"

A Zero went up to a No.8 at a party and said 'Nice Belt!'

Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double
entendre. So he gave her one

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club.

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.
He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I love to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

All male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

Down the supermarket, I saw this man and woman wrapped and barcoded. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Collected from emails; happy to give credit, and looking for more.

Thanks to: Mike Swindlehurst, BJ Champion