Politics made easy: The
Two Cows PhilosophyFEUDALISM:
You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes
some of the milk. And all the cream. PURE
SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government
gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC
SOCIALISM:
You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You
have to take care of the chickens the government took
from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you
should need. FASCISM:
You have
two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE
COMMUNISM:
You have two cows. Your neighbours
help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM:
You have
two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows. The government takes both and
shoots you. MILITARISM:
You
have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you. PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have
two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You
have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell
you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it. After the election, the president is
impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press
dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cows are set
free. INDIAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
You worship them. BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and
they go mad. The government gives you compensation for
your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income,
a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And
tells the public not to worry. BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates
what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then
it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down
the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
for the missing cows. ANARCHY:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair
price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the
cows. CAPITALISM:
You have
two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when it drops
dead. SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have
two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed
farm animals in an apartment. HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them
to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit
opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute
an debt/equity swap with associated general offer so
that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction
for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows
are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Isands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,
who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to
the listed company.
The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng
Shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking
or killing them. TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and
denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL
CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the
concept of "ownership" is an outdated symbol
of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines
of non-specified gender. They get married and adopt
a calf. COUNTER CULTURE:
Wow,
dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got
to have some of this milk. SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes. The government requires
you to take harmonica lessons.
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