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Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star

Low Energy Light Bulb Jokes

Due To Global Warming, This Site Uses Only Low Energy Light Bulbs!
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How many people does it take
to change a low energy light bulb ?

Academics
~ None; That's what research students are for.
~ Five; One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Accountants
~ What answer did you have in mind?

Actors
~ Twenty; one to 'phone for an Expert, one to propose a toast to the new bulb. And 18 to say what a lousy bulb the old one was.
~ Two. One to stand on a chair to change it, one to say "I wish I was up there!"
~ One. They don't like to share the spotlight
~ One, but 462 auditioned for the part.

Aerobics instructors
~ Two; one to do it in perfect synchrony(!) while the other one calls "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

Americans
~ Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

Anarchists
~ All of them; each must do for theirself.

Anglers
~ Two, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big!

Archaeologists
~ Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.

Art Gallery visitors
~ Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do better than that".

Astronomers
~ Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the universe.
~ None, astronomers prefer the dark.

Atheists
~ None. Atheists never see the light.

Auctioneers
~ One ... two ... three ... any advance on three?

Auto mechanics
~ Three; one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, one to make sure you get to pay for them all and another to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

Baby Boomers
~ Eleven; four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together to do this, one to screw it in, one to video it for next year's reunion, one to film it for the news, one to plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass naked bulb screwings-in in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV shows, and one to play classic rock.

Backstage crew
~ Eight. One person to get the scaffolding out, erect the scaffolding tower, isolate the power supply, take the blown lamp out, find a replacement, stick it in, reset the fuses, turn the power back on, climb up the tower, refocus the light, take the scaffolding tower down and put it away. The other seven sit in the control room, supervise, and broadcast helpful comments over the tannoy.

Big black 1 x 4 x 9 monoliths
~ 2001

Bimbos
~ What? And wreck my nails?
~ What's a light bulb?
~ Two; one to get the Diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to call Daddy.
~ One; but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
~ One; she stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve around her.
~ None; there's plenty of real men around to do it.

"Blue Peter" presenters
~ Four; one to make a new bulb out of an empty bleach bottle, one to do the changing and one to show you how you can make an interesting Christmas tree ornament out of the old one. And one to stop the baby elephant destroying the TV studio

Born-again Christians
~ Whoever heard of a born-again Christian who couldn't see the light?

Bosses
~ None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

Brewers
~ About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Building subcontractors
~ It takes 47; one to hold the bulb, 46 to turn the house around.

Bureaucrats
~ 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Burger King adverts
~ None. "I can't change my low energy light bulb . But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger."

Californians
~ Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Canadians
~ Two; one to change it, one to spray green paint on to the new bulb so no-one bashes it with a big stick.

Cashiers
~ Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.

Catholic priests
~ Three; one to do it, one to hear his confession and one to give the old bulb last rites.

Chickens
~ Two; one to do it and one to cross the road.

Chinese
~ Thousands, because Confucious says many hands make light work.

Chinese Red Guards
~ 1.3.billion - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.

Chinese students
~ Twelve; one to screw in the low energy light bulb , one to sit in the jail because he happened to be on the block, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Chiropractors
~ Only one. But it takes nine visits.

Christian Fundamentalists
~ None; THE BIBLE DOES NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!

Circus performers
~ Four. One to change the bulb and three to go: "Ta da!"

College students
~ Dunno, I forgot my calculator.

College football players
~ Just one -- and he gets three credits for it!

Computer journalists
~ Fifty-four; Fifty to write boring reviews of all the existing light bulbs, all concluding that Microsoft is best, one to write a remarkably similar review in a broadsheet the next month, another to have a big one come out in a sunday paper paper two months later (by then completely out of date), another to hint in that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifty-fourth to report a rumor that the new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Computer programmers
~ Two; one always leaves in the middle of the project.
~ None. That's a hardware function.

Conservatives
~ Three; one to deny that it's gone out, one to say that it's burning more brightly than under any previous Labour government and one to change it while no-one's looking.

Consultants
~ I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Darwinians
~ None; light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Dentists
~ Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the low energy light bulb , and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

Divorced Men
~ None. They never get the house

DIY buffs
~ One. But it takes two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Doctors
~ None; they just tell it to take two aspirin and get plenty of rest.
~ One; but he needs a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
~ Two; one to change the bulb and one to sign the death certificate.
~ Three; one to diagnose the problem, one to prescribe a new bulb ... and one to watch the nurse change it

Drinkers (serious drinkers)
~ Twenty-one; one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

Drummers
~ Five; one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow their way into the spotlight.

Dull people
~ One.

Dylan fans
~ The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Dyslexic people
~ Eno.

Editors
~ Two; one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Efficiency experts
~  does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Einsteins
~ One-ish; it depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

Elvis fans
~ None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

Ergonomicists
~ Forty-five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, one to design warning labels for the bulb, the switch ... and ...

Evangelists
~ Thirty three. One to do it, two to bask in its glory, and thirty to take collections in the bulb's name.

Feminists (of the militant variety)
~ 100; one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
~ Three; one to change the bulb, two to bitch about how the socket has been violated by men in the past.
~ Two; one to do the changing, one to tell any man in sight to **** off, just in case they were going to volunteer to help.
~ That's not funny!

Film directors
~ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Firefighters
~ Four; Three to cut a hole in the roof, one to change the bulb

Fitters
~ None; just assume it's changed.
~ None; that's the electrician's job.
~ One to take out the old bulb, and put it back

Flies
~ Two. but I do not know how you get them in there.

Folk singers (of the Traditional English Variety)
~ Five; one to change the bulb, one to complain that it's electric, one to stick his finger in his ear, two to write a dirge in honour of the old bulb.

Freemasons
~ Wouldn't you like to know?

Freudian analysts
~ Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.

Gas fitters
~ Three; one to turn up the day before, when you're out; one to change the switch; one to realise that light bulbs don't run on gas.

Gay men
~ Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"

Gay rights activists
~ None; "the light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."

Gods
~ Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Gorillas
~ Only one, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs!

Goths
~ None. They prefer everything all black anyway.

Hegelians
~ Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands at the other end and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which does the job.

Hell's Angels
~ Twenty-two. One to change the bulb, and the others to kick the switch.

HiFi anoraks (CD)
~ One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

HiFi anoraks (LP)
~ One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck ... getting stuck ... getting stuck ...

Hippies (Authentic 60s)
~ Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?

Hippies (New Age)
~ None; if the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

Historians
~ Ten; one to do it and nine to document it.

Holocaust revisionists
~ None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Homophobes
~ None; first, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet.

Honour Guards
~ Twenty-two; one to screw in the new bulb, 21 to shoot it.

Inner-city youths
~ Four; one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Investment brokers
~ Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Isaac Asimovs
~ Two, but it's actually the same science fiction writer. Isaac1 went back in time and met Isaac2 in the doorway; Isaac1 then sat on Isaac2's shoulders so that they were able to reach the bulb. Then the temporal instability created by this paradox caught up, and the entire room, light bulb and all, was blown out of existence. Both Isaacs continue to exist in a parallel universe, however.

Jay Lenos
~ Three; one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Jugglers
~ One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star

Low Energy Light Bulb Jokes

Due To Global Warming, This Site Uses Only Low Energy Light Bulbs!
A thru K | About LBJs | L thru Z | Celebrities

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