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Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star Lightbulb Jokes

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Due To Climate Change, This Site Uses Only LED Light Bulbs.

Light Bulb Jokes - D


Cyanise & happiness Lightbulb Joke

How many people does it take
to change a low energy light bulb ?

Darwinians
~ None; light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Dentists
~ Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the low energy light bulb , and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.

Divorced Men
~ None. They never get the house

DIY buffs
~ One. But it takes two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.

Doctors
~ None; they just tell it to take two aspirin and get plenty of rest.
~ One; but he needs a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
~ Two; one to change the bulb and one to sign the death certificate.
~ Three; one to diagnose the problem, one to prescribe a new bulb ... and one to watch the nurse change it

Drinkers (serious drinkers)
~ Twenty-one; one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

Drummers
~ Five; one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow their way into the spotlight.

Dull people
~ One.

Dyslexic people
~ Eno.

Editors
~ Two; one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

Efficiency experts
~  does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

Einsteins
~ One-ish; it depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

Elvis fans
~ None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

Ergonomicists
~ Forty-five. One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool with which to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, one to design warning labels for the bulb, the switch ... and ...

Evangelists
~ Thirty three. One to do it, two to bask in its glory, and thirty to take collections in the bulb's name.

Feminists (of the militant variety)
~ 100; one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.
~ Three; one to change the bulb, two to bitch about how the socket has been violated by men in the past.
~ Two; one to do the changing, one to tell any man in sight to **** off, just in case they were going to volunteer to help.
~ That's not funny!

Film directors
~ Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Firefighters
~ Four; Three to cut a hole in the roof, one to change the bulb

Fitters
~ None; just assume it's changed.
~ None; that's the electrician's job.
~ One to take out the old bulb, and put it back

Flies
~ Two. but I do not know how you get them in there.

Folk singers (of the Traditional English Variety)
~ Five; one to change the bulb, one to complain that it's electric, one to stick his finger in his ear, two to write a dirge in honour of the old bulb.

Freemasons
~ Wouldn't you like to know?

Freudian analysts
~ Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.

Gas fitters
~ Three; one to turn up the day before, when you're out; one to change the switch; one to realise that light bulbs don't run on gas.

Gay men
~ Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"

Gay rights activists
~ None; "the light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."

Gods
~ Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Gorillas
~ Only one, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs!

Goths
~ None. They prefer everything all black anyway.

Hegelians
~ Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it isn't dark; the other stands at the other end and says that true light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which does the job.

Hell's Angels
~ Twenty-two. One to change the bulb, and the others to kick the switch.

HiFi anoraks (CD)
~ One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

HiFi anoraks (LP)
~ One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck ... getting stuck ... getting stuck ...

Hippies (Authentic 60s)
~ Oh wow, is it, like, dark, man?

Hippies (New Age)
~ None; if the light bulb is out, that's the way Nature intended it!

Historians
~ Ten; one to do it and nine to document it.

Holocaust revisionists
~ None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Homophobes
~ None; first, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet.

Honour Guards
~ Twenty-two; one to screw in the new bulb, 21 to shoot it.

Immature people
~ Your mum.

Inner-city youths
~ Four; one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw in the new bulb, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

Investment brokers
~ Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Isaac Asimovs
~ Two, but it's actually the same science fiction writer. Isaac1 went back in time and met Isaac2 in the doorway; Isaac1 then sat on Isaac2's shoulders so that they were able to reach the bulb. Then the temporal instability created by this paradox caught up, and the entire room, light bulb and all, was blown out of existence. Both Isaacs continue to exist in a parallel universe, however.

Jay Lenos
~ Three; one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Jugglers
~ One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.


last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light last one out turn off the light
Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star Lightbulb Jokes

AD | About LBJs | L | R | Celebrities
Due To Climate Change, This Site Uses Only LED Light Bulbs.

There are plenty more of these jokes... please help me catch the best.

15 February 2017  |  sitemap   |  | | Privacy