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Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star

Low Energy Light Bulb Jokes

Due To Global Warming, This Site Uses Only Low Energy Light Bulbs!
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How many people does it take
to change a low energy light bulb ?

Lawyers
~ It only takes one to change your bulb ... to his.
~ How many can you afford?

Leninists
~ Leninists don't change light bulbs, they change the entire system.

Lesbians
~ Five; one to do it and the other four to sit around and discuss how it's so much more gratifying than a man.

Liberals
~ Two; one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.

Libertarians
~ None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Librans
~ Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Librarians
~ I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

Lumberjacks
~ One, but he uses a chainsaw.

Lutherans
~ CHANGE?!?

Mafia Men
~ Three; One to change the bulb, one to kill the witness

Maoists
~ 1001; One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "fight darkness."

Marines
~ Fifty; one to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.

Marxists
~ None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Microsoft executives
~ None; 'we can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.'

Microsoft support staff
~ Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine ..."

Microsoft Vice Presidents
~ None; Microsoft will simply redefine darkness as the industry standard
~ Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed, anywhere in the world.

Mimes
~ Six; one to climb up an invisible ladder, one to get an imaginary bulb, one to hand the bulb up to the mime on the ladder, who holds it steady while two more turn the imaginary ladder in so subtle mockery of low energy light bulb jokes.

Missionaries
~ One, and thirty innocents to see the light.
~ Just one, but he has to be on top.
~ 101; one to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

Mothers
~ None; "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll just sit here in the dark. Alone."

Musicians
~ Any number; you hum it, they'll soon pick up the tune

Mystery writers
~ Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

NASA technicians
~ Seventy; they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. Final cost: 3 million dollars.

Necrophiliacs
~ One, if they can persuade someone to test the socket with a finger.

New Yorkers (polite, considerate native New Yorkers)
~ Both of them.

Nuclear engineers
~ Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Nuclear Survivors
~ None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Oasis Members
~ Two; Liam hold the bulb while the world revolves around him, while Noel hopes that no-one notices that it has all been done before.

One-armed people
~ One. Plus the receipt.

Orgy attenders
~ As many as possible - but don't ask what they do with the old bulb.

Optimists
~ None; they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Oregonians
~ Six. One to screw in the bulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
~ Six. One to change the bulb, and five to protest about the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Oxford students
~ Only one, but it took three people to convince them that it was burnt out in the first place.

Pedants
~ "Approximately 1.00000000000000000001"

Pentium designers
~ 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

People with multiple personality disorder
~ One, but they're really three

Perverts
~ Just one, but it takes the entire Accident and Emergency team to get it out again.

Pessimists
~ None. They prefer to sit in the dark.
~ None. It's probably screwed in too tight anyway.

Pharmacists
~ Can you call back in 10 minutes?

Philosophers
~ How can you be sure it needs changing?

Poets
~ Three; one to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb so that she can see to write about the whole sordid experience.

Police officers
~ Fifty one; one to attempt to seize the old bulb and fifty to surround the house when it won't come quietly.
~ Ten; one to change the bulb, four to smash the old one and five to stand around and see nothing.
~ Three, one to do it, one to direct traffic and one to say "Show's over, nothing left to see here, folks, move along."
~ One, but he's never around when you need him.
~ None. It turned itself in.

Political activists
~ Two, one to do it and one to pass out pamphlets.

Politicians
~ Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
~ Three; one to change the low energy light bulb and two to promise that everything possible is being done to solve the problem.
~ Two; one to change the bulb - but another to change it back after the next election.
~ None; its more important to be tough on light bulbs - and tough on the causes of light bulbs

Priests
~ Just two; one to install the new bulb, while the other Says Nice Things about the old bulb (which he never actually met).

Psychiatrists
~ It takes just one psychiatrist. But the light bulb has got to want to change.

Psychoanalysts
~ How many do you think it takes?

Real Men
~ None; she can cook in the dark
~ None; Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.

Republicans
~ Two; one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.

Singaporeans
~ None - the maid will do it.

Social workers
~ None. But it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "Coping With Darkness"

Sopranos
~ Five; one to climb onto a chair and reach up, four to stand around, thinking 'she'll never get that high ...'

Sorority sisters
~ Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. Optional: one fraternity to start a "wet T-shirt" contest.

Sound engineers
~ One-two!! Check!! One-two!! Testing, one-two!!

Spice Girls
~ None; they don't use electricity; Girl Power - that's what they use, what they really, really, use!

Spies
~ Two; one to change it and the other to check for bugs.

Square dancers
~ Four, but you have to walk them through it a few times.

Stalinists
~ Two; one to smash the old one, one to replace it with an identical bulb.

Stoners
~ None man, we got lighters

Students
~ Two; one to change the bulb, one to write an essay. Oh ... and a professor to take the credit.
~ Six; two to fight about who did it last time, one to sulk, one to prefer things as they are, one to be unaware of anything and one to change the bulb.
~ Five; one to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Suburbanites
~ One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.

Supervisors
~ Two; one to screw it in and one to screw it up.

Surrealists
~ Fish; six to operate the red machinery, and five to turn the flamingo's head.

Terrorists
~ Two; one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.

Thought police
~ None. There never was a light bulb.

Traffic wardens
~ Two; one to change it and one to give the old one a ticket for staying on for too long.

Three-year-olds
~ Just one to hold it up while the world revolves around him.

Triage Nurses
~ One, but the bulb will have to spend four hours in the waiting room.

Ukrainians
~ None; they don't need to, they glow in the dark.

Union Electricians
~ Ten. One to give the bulb to the screwer-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise.

United Nations Delegates
~ Fifteen, because the Security Council screws up everything.

UseNet Users
~ Fifty - One to do it and 49 to talk about it on alt.fan. low energy light bulb s or alt.change. low energy light bulb

Victorian Servants
~ Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
~ Sorry, we do not discuss these things in front of the family

Waiters
~ None. Waiters have been trained to avoid eye contact - what chance does a burned-out bulb have?

Web jokers
~ 1,623; one to tell the original joke, the rest to give some minor variation of it!

Windows programmers
~ 472; one to write WinGet low energy light bulb Handle, one to write WinQueryStatus low energy light bulb , one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...

Women at a certain time of the month
~ About 8: BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THOSE WOMEN TOLD ME TO SAY. ok?

Zen masters
~ Two; One to change it, and one not to change it
~ Four. One to change the bulb.

Andrew Heenan's 160 Five Star

Low Energy Light Bulb Jokes

Due To Global Warming, This Site Uses Only Low Energy Light Bulbs!
A thru K | About LBJs | L thru Z | Celebrities

There are plenty more of these jokes... please help me catch the best.