Elephant
Jokes
Q:
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do
you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want,
it can't hear you. Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget. Q:
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey,
yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth! Q:
Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in
the hot chocolate. Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't,
you get down from a duck. Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin. Q:
What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out
elephant. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the
outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup. Q: What is grey and not
there.
A: No elephants. Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:
With a blue elephant gun, of course. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a green
elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he
turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot
a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!! Q: Why are elephants
wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one? Q: Why do elephants paint
their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees. Q: Did you
ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See, it works!!! Q: What's
the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native trying to eat cherries. Q:
How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries. Q: What's the fastest thing
in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries. Q: How do you
get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant
stand on it. Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A:
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck. Q: How do you get an elephant out
of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute
practice.) Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they
can jump up in trees and annoy the monkeys. Q: What sound do monkeys hate
most?
A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... Q:
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead. Q:
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first
one. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought
it was a game. Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was
an elephant. Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's
foreskin. Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When
you rub it, it turns into a briefcase. Q: How many legs does an elephant
have?
A: Four, two at the front, two at the back. Q: Why did the elephant
cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off. Q: What was the elephant doing
on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world) Q: How
do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down. Q:
What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car! Q: What is
more difficult than getting two elephants in the back seat of your car?
A:
Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!! Q: Whats more
difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
A:
Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car! Q: How do you
put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the mini door, take the elephant out,
close the mini door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. Q:
How do you get four elephants into a mini?
A: 2 in the front and two in the
back Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints
in the butter. Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter. Q: How do you know if there
are three elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed. Q:
How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a mini
parked outside it. Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free
in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all. Q:
How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number
of elephants. Q: What did the fifth elephant in the mini discover?
A:
The sun roof. Q: The Lion (King of all the Animal) gathered all the animals
for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were
stuck in the mini. Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?
A: None,
it's full of elephants! Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic! Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking. Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant
in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside. Q: How do you know if there are
two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. Q: How
do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike
and have a look in the window. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen. Q: How many elephants
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change
light bulbs. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A:
A submarine with a built-in snorkel. Q: What do you get when you cross an
elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia. Q:
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching
the ceiling. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't
sink in the sand. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A:
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. Q. What is the
difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except
for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants
coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the
hill." Q: What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
A:
An elephant is grey. Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants
in the distance?
A: "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane
is colour blind) Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with
sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them. Q:
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha!
You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
Q:
How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
A: Put a slice of bread on
each side, and call him "lunch". Q: How do you make a dead elephant
float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream,
200 gallons of Coca Cola ... Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an
oak tree?
A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years. Q: What if
you don't want to wait fifty years?
A: Parachute him from an airplane. Q:
Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?
A:
That's when the elephants are skydiving. Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A:
They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon. Q: Why do ducks have
flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have
flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks. Q: Why are elephants
feet shaped that way?
A: To fit on lily pads. Q: Why isn't it safe to
go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the
elephants are walking on the lily pads. Q: Whay are frogs so short?
A:
They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon. Q: Why shouldn't
you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants
practice their parachute jumping. Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A
bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives. Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your
fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..) Q:
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can
hide upside-down in bowls of custard. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in
your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work. Q: What do you know when you
see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're
all on the same team. Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with
you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket. Q: Why won't
they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down
their trunks. Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin
disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist. Q: How do you stop an elephant from
charging?
A: Take away his credit card. Q: What do you get when you
cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup. Q: Why do elephants
have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments. Q:
Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: It didn't
work. Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's
lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive. Q: What did the elephant
say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to
be sung). Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A:
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!". Q:
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero
- a mountain climber is a scaler. Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room. Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy
won't pay the ransom. Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: To pick up the squashed chicken. Q: What's grey and puts out forest
fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant. Q: What happens when an elephant sits
in front of you at the movies?
A: You miss most of the picture! Q: What
do elephants use for slippers?
A: Sheep! Q: What did the peanut say
to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk. Q: How many elephants
can you fit into a Dodge?
A: Five. Two in the front, two in the back, and
one in the glove compartment. Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been
in the baby carriage?
A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants
get into everything!) Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl
and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two?
A:
Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes") Q:
What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
A: An elephant with diarrhea. | 
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