Web Weirdity

Creationism

Creation - 21st Century Style | The Plan | Pets
Suspicion | Alternative Garden |  Computing
Noah's Challenges |  New Ark

For the Quickies - see Creationism2

Warning: Some people may find jokes about the creation and other biblical stories to be offensive. These jokes are not intended to offend followers of any religion, and do not seek to undermine any beliefs.

Please read them with that in mind - or do not read them at all.

May Your God go with you.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of the constant bickering.

Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They spreadsheeted.
They reported.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They created labels and cards.
They did every known job.

And More.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
Underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

 

In the beginning there was the Computer. And God said C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT! Enter user-id. C:\>GOD Enter password. C:\>OMNISCIENT Password incorrect. Try again. C:\>OMNIPOTENT Password incorrect. Try again. C:\>TECHNOCRAT And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 1. C:\>LET THERE BE LIGHT! Unrecognizable command. Try again. C:\>CREATE LIGHT Done C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 00:01:00, day 1. And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 2. C:\>LET THERE BE FIRMAMENT IN THE MIDST OF WATER AND LIGHT Unrecognizable command. Try again.. C:\>CREATE FIRMAMENT Done. C:\> RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 2. And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 3. C:\>LET THE WATERS UNDER HEAVEN BE GATHERED TOGETHER UNTO ONE PLACE AND LET THE DRY LAND APPEAR AND Too many characters in specification string. Try again. C:\>CREATE DRY_LAND Done. C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH C:\>LET THE EARTH PRODUCE FRESH GROWTH, LET THERE BE ON THE EARTH PLANTS Too many characters in specification string. Try again. CREATE PLANTS C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH So it was; the Earth yielded fresh growth, plants bearing seed. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 3. And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 4. C:\>CREATE LIGHTS IN THE FIRMAMENT TO DIVIDE THE DAY FROM THE NIGHT Unspecified type. Try again. C:\>CREATE SUN_MOON_STARS Done C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH These lights governed day and night and seperated light from darkness. And God saw there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 4. And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 5. C:\>CREATE FISH Done C:\>CREATE FOWL Done C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw that there were 0 errors. And God logged off at 00:02:00, day 5. And God logged on at 00:00:01, day 6. C:\>CREATE CATTLE Done C:\>CREATE CREEPY_THINGS Done C:\>RUN HEAVEN AND EARTH C:\>NOW LET US MAKE MAN IN OUR IMAGE Unspecified type. Try again. C:\>CREATE MAN Done C:\>BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY AND REPLENISH THE EARTH AND SUBDUE IT AND HAVE DOMINION OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA AND OVER THE FOWL OF THE AIR AND OVER EVERY LIVING THING THAT CREEPETH UPON THE EARTH Too many command operands. Try again. C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION Execution terminated. 6 errors. C:\>INSERT BREATH Done C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION Execution terminated. 5 errors. C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN OF EDEN File Garden of Eden does not exist. C:\>CREATE GARDEN.EDN Done C:\>MOVE MAN TO GARDEN.EDN Done C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION Execution terminated. 4 errors. C:\>COPY WOMAN FROM MAN Done C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION Execution terminated. 3 errors. C:\>CREATE DESIRE Done C:\>RUN MULTIPLICATION Execution terminated. 2 errors. C:\>CREATE FREEWILL Done C:\>RUN FREEWILL And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors. C:\>UNDO DESIRE Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill. C:\>DELETE FREEWILL Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. C:\>HELP Desire cannot be undone. File may be in use by Freewill. Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use. Try again, cancel or quit program. Try again Try again, cancel or quit program. cancel Try again, cancel or quit program. quit Try again, cancel or quit program. C:\>CREATE TREE_OF_KNOWLEDGE And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn Warning: No time limit set. 1 errors. C:\>CREATE GOOD, EVIL Done C:\>ACTIVATE EVIL And God saw he had created shame. Warning system error. Missing or corrupt file: Man and Woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors. C:\>SCAN GARDEN.EDN FOR MAN, WOMAN Search failed. C:\>DELETE SHAME Shame cannot be deleted. File may be in use by Freewill. C:\>DELETE FREEWILL Freewill cannot be deleted. it may be a hidden or system file or may be in use. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. C:\>STOP Unrecognizable command. Try again C:\>BREAK C:\>BREAK C:\>BREAK ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR MAINTENANCE IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF. C:\>CREATE NEW WORLD You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. C:\>DESTROY EARTH Destroy earth: Please confirm. COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME day 8 AT 00:00:00 YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW. And God logged off at 23:59:59, day 6. And God rested.

The Plan

And the workers went upon their supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them "It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, none may abide its strength."
And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aid plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth unto them, "It promotes growth and is exceedingly powerful."

And the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, and these areas in particular."
And the president looked upon the plan,
And saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.

And this is how shit happens

Suspicion

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Alternative Garden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God; "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. but, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret; you know, woman to woman."

Household domestic animals

'And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

So God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. It was a good animal. God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. Then Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. God was pleased. Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

The Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.

And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not much care one way or the other.

Noah's Strategic Challenges

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.

But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the local government regulations. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with the health and safety people over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was abusing the residential area protection scheme by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planners."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees, to protect the spotted owl. I finally convinced the Forestry Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Authorities won't let me catch any owls. So no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Committee before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."

"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard, Just when I got the suit dismissed, the Environmental Protection Authorities notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Your conduct, Creator of the Universe or Not."

"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe."

"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. It's even been suggested that I discriminated against woodworm."

"The Tax Authorities have seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."

"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.Finally, some comedian got a court injunction against further construction of the Ark saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and, therefore, unconstitutional."

"Lord, I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years"

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Birds sang gratefully in the trees, bees hummed and dogs' tails started to wag cheerfully on a national basis.

Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to, The government already has."

Noah's New Ark

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want - after all you're the boss".

But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

" ... Yep, that's right, well ... sort of right ... this time I want you to
fill it up with fish" God answers.

"Fish?" Queries Noah.

"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall - Carp, floor to ceiling - Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely reaching the far end of his tether.

"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".