For the Quickies - see Creationism2
Warning: Some people may find jokes
about the creation and other biblical stories to be offensive. These jokes
are not intended to offend followers of any religion, and do not seek
to undermine any beliefs.
May Your God go with you.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."
The PlanIn the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the assumptions were without form
And the plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of workers
And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit and it stinketh."
And the workers went upon their supervisors and sayeth, "It is a pail
of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer, none may abide its strength."
And the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
company, and these areas in particular."
SuspicionSometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God; "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. but, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret; you know, woman to woman."
Household domestic animalsA lost chapter of the Book of Genesis has been discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. It appears to shed light on the origin of pets.
'And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
So God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. It was a good animal. God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. Then Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. God was pleased. Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
The Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.
Noah's Strategic Challenges
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember" said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me", cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the local government regulations. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with the health and safety people over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was abusing the residential area protection scheme by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planners."
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees, to protect the spotted owl. I finally convinced the Forestry Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Authorities won't let me catch any owls. So no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Committee before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls."
"When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard, Just when I got the suit dismissed, the Environmental Protection Authorities notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Your conduct, Creator of the Universe or Not."
"Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. It's even been suggested that I discriminated against woodworm."
"The Tax Authorities have seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes."
"I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.Finally, some comedian got a court injunction against further construction of the Ark saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and, therefore, unconstitutional."
"Lord, I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years"
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Birds sang gratefully in the trees, bees hummed and dogs' tails started to wag cheerfully on a national basis.
Noah looked up hopefully, "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
Noah's New Ark
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want - after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
" ... Yep, that's right, well ... sort of right ... this time I
want you to
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall - Carp, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely reaching the far end of his tether.
"Dunno" says God. "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".
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