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Chicken Jokes


Why did the chicken cross the road?

Individual perspectives on the matter

Woody Allen:
I mean, it was, it was ... a legal chicken ... It wasn't like it was a blood relative or anything. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

The Dead Sea Scrolls:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Roseanne:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?

Jack Benny:
I'm thinking. ... I'm thinking

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

James Cagney:
It crossed twice. The dirty double-crosser.

Albert Camus:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

John Cleese:
This Chicken is no more. It has ceased to function. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. It's a stiff. If it wasn't nailed to the road it'd be pushing up daisies. It's snuffed it. It's metabolic processes are now history. It's bleeding demised. It's rung down the curtain, shuffled off the mortal coil and joined the bleeding Choir Invisible. This is an Ex-Chicken. Ergo, it did not cross the road.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads

James Dean:
To prove he wasn't chicken.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates:
To purchase Chicken 2.01a, which will both cross roads and calculate the energy it used. There are bugs, yes, but if you uninstall Traffic 2.0 and Farmer 1.2 it will run. If it freezes at WhiteLine 2.0, we have a patch ...

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Sherlock Holmes:
Do not concern yourself with the chicken that did cross the road; the answer lies with the chicken that did not cross the road.

Saddam Hussein:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Terry Jones:
This isn't a chicken license! It's a dog license with the word "Dog" crossed out and "Chicken" written in in crayon.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences into being.

Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Karl Marx:
It crossed twice. First time, it was a tragedy; second time, a farce.

Chico Marx:
It couldn't. It was a rubber chicken.

Groucho Marx:
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Harpo Marx:
Honk! Honk! Honk!

Jackie Mason:
Whaddaya want, it should just stand there?

Fox Mulder:
It was a government conspiracy.

Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it ***** wanted to. That's the ****** reason.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Plato:
For the greater good.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Arnold Schwartznegger:
It vill be back.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why he crossed, I've not been told!

O.J.Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Joseph Stalin:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Mae West:
I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Oprah Winfrey:
To avoid mad-chicken disease.

The Top

Astrological Chickens

Zodiacal Influence on Chicken Crossing Behaviour

LEO (July 20 to August 22):
Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunity to escape a normal, humdrum existence.

VIRGO (August 23 to September 22):
Virgos are practical and adaptable. They have a strong desire to succeed, are very discriminating and tend to be critical of others. They strive for perfection. They are very poultriatarian and will usually cross for the good of other chickens and because it is the proper or correct thing to do.

LIBRA (September 23 to October 22):
Libra chickens are thoughtful and sensitive, and are always seeking balance and harmony. They need the respect and love of other chickens more than any other group. They think carefully before making any decision. Libra chickens are prone to stop in the middle of the road to try to decide which way to go, making the crossing a considerable risk to themselves and others.

SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21):
Scorpios have a depth and intensity of their emotions that gives them a strong inner power. They are creatures of passion whose focused desires assist them in achieving their aims. They can be ruthlessly self-critical in their quest for truth. They are uncompromising, and stick to any commitment they have made. They cross because they promised to do so.

SAGITTARIUS (November 23 to December 21):
These chickens are restless and visionary. They love to explore new horizons and see life as a journey full of adventure. They greet every new experience with a warm heart, a ready smile and an open mind. They cross the road because of a passion to see more of the world and a spirit which longs to be free.

CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19):
Capricorns are very ambitious and are always striving to reach the top of the coop. They are tenacious in planning every step to achieve their goals, and leave themselves little time to relax before looking for new peaks to climb. They cross because they must to achieve the success they feel should be theirs.

AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18):
Chickens born under the sign of Aquarius are strong independent spirits longing to break free from traditional conventions and restrictions and the status quo. They are innovative and idealistic always replacing old outdated thinking with fresh perspectives. They are strongly driven to oppose social injustice and oppression. They are always experimenting to discover their own identity. They will cross because it is forbidden to do so and by doing so it will be easier for others to do so in the future.

PISCES (February 19 to March 20):
Pisces chickens are dreamy and sensitive. They are blessed with deep intuition and a wealth of emotion. Pisces are romantic, creative and full of love with a potential for great happiness and lasting joy. Their imagination is so strong that it frequently merges with fantasy. They usually cross because they had a vision telling them that this is the means to the happiness they are striving to achieve.

ARIES (March 21 to April 19):
Chickens born under the sign of Aries are natural leaders possessing a pioneering determined spirit, who wish to make their mark on the world. They cross the road to assert themselves and seek action, daring and adventure.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20):
Taurus chickens are strong willed and have a down to earth attitude toward life. They are overly interested in material things and have a real need for security. They feel unsettled unless comfortable. They will cross only if there is more security on the other side or to obtain material possessions.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20):
They are highly restless and are always seeking a wide variety of contrasting experiences. They cross because they are curious and to avoid the boredom of their mundane existence.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22):
While having a tough shell-like exterior, Cancer chickens are very sensitive and vulnerable. They have very delicate emotions, and are always attuned to their environment and the feelings of those around them. They have a constant and urgent need to feel safe and always act defensively. They will only cross the road when there is danger to themselves or others on this side.

LEO (July 20 to August 22):
Leo chickens are majestic and proud with personalities that need to shine, and greet opportunities with fervor and vitality. They always need to be in charge. They will cross the road with great enthusiasm for the opportunity to escape a normal, humdrum existence.


Crossing Chicken Jokes

Standard issue chicken jokes.

Q. What Do You Call A Chicken That Crosses The Road, Rolls In The Dirt, Crosses The Road, And Again Rolls In The Dirt?
A. A Dirty Double-Crossing Chicken!

Q. What Do You Call A Frightened Scuba Diver?
A. Chicken Of The Sea.


Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Guitar?
A. A Chicken That Makes Music When You Pluck It!

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken And A Pit Bull?
A. Just The Pit Bull.

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Bell?
A. An Alarm Cluck.

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Dog?
A. A Hen That Lays Pooched Eggs.

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Chicken With A Race-Horse?
A. A Hen That Lays Odds.

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Dog With A Chicken?
A. A Hen That Lays Pooched Eggs.

Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Ghost With A Chicken?
A. A Poultry-Geist.


Random Chicken Jokes

a selection of the Internet's worst.

Q. What Glows In The Dark And Goes Cluck?
A. Chicken Kiev.

Q. What Goes Peck, Peck, Peck, Boom?
A. A Chicken In A Mine Field.

Q. What Is A Haunted Chicken?
A. A Poultry-Geist.

Q. What Is Chicken Teriyaki?
A. The Name Of The Oldest Living Kamikaze Pilot.

Q. What Is The Best Kind Of Car To Be Driving When You're Ready To Play Chicken?
A. A Coupe.

Q. What Is The Difference Between `Kinky' And `Erotic?'
A. With `Kinky' You Use The Whole Chicken.

Q. What Is The Difference Between A Chicken And An Elephant?
A. An Elephant Can Get Chicken Pox, But A Chicken Can't Get Elephant Pox.

Q. What Is The Difference Between President Hoover And President Clinton?
A. One Promised A Chicken In Every Pot And The Other Was An Unpromising Chicken Who Smoked Pot.

Q. When Fruit Comes From A Fruit Tree, What Kind Of Tree Does Chicken Come From?
A. A Poul-Tree.

Q. Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg?
A. Neither, The Rooster.

Q. Why Did The Chicken Cross The Playground?
A. To Get To The Other Slide.

Q. Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
A. To Prove To The Armadillo That It Could Be Done.

Q. Why Did The Chicken Cross To The Middle Of The Road?
A. She Wanted To Lay It On The Line.

Q. Why Did The Elephant Cross The Road?
A1. Chicken's Day Off.
A2. To Pick Up The Squashed Chicken.

Q. Why Did The Blonde Bake A Chicken For 3 And A Half Days?
A. It Said Cook It For Half An Hour Per Pound, And She Weighed 125.

Q. Why Does A Chicken Coup Have Two Doors?
A. If It Had Four, It Would Be A Sedan.

Q. Why Is The Chicken Good Looking?
A. It's Pretty Fowl.

Q. Is It Okay To Eat Fried Chicken With Your Fingers?
A. No, The Fingers Should Be Eaten Separately.

Q. Why Couldn't The Chicken Find Her Eggs?
A. Because She Mislaid Them.


And finally: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, clearly angry, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

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4 November 2013  |  sitemap   |  | | Privacy

 

Thanks to:

Tom McClellan