Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want
to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always
RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes
for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. Stage 2 - GOOD
LOOKINGThis is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in
the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the
sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an
armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at
this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win
all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will
also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING
person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to
pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have
been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you
can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them
to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because
you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell - you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway! Stage
5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you
can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress
the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one
can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.
Stages of Recovery Stage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness
and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers,
such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Baileys/[add
tipple most consumed the night before]. Next, you realise that you have
lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything.
You are now officially STUPID and will probably stay STUPID until you get onto
your third bacon sandwich. Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with
the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover
that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible.
Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given
you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on overnight
or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block!
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave
whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks. Stage
3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and dressed, you are about to shuffle
out the
door when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to
last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea
what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect
that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and
lagers at some
point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you
will have given
the taxi driver a £50 note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't
possibly have been that STUPID (as you are usually CLEVER when drunk) and that
you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all of humanity. Stage
4 - MADE OF GLASSAs you are now a STUPID, UGLY and POOR sociopath, you
embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect
plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until
you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly. Stage
5 - CIRCUS FREAKTragically, any non-hungover person can spot this condition
and its cause
from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can
complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends,
shouting at you and then insisting that you drink things with whole eggs/Worcestershire
sauce/Oysters in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make
you feel better". You are too STUPID to know where to hide and too
conspicuously UGLY to get away with it, too POOR to buy alka seltzer and too FRAGILE
to hit them. | 
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