Beer Essentials

Stages of Drunkeness

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell - you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

Stages of Recovery

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley's/Baileys/[add tipple most consumed the night before].

Next, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially STUPID and will probably stay STUPID until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on overnight or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block!

Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and dressed, you are about to shuffle out the
door when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and
lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you
will have given the taxi driver a £50 note by mistake.

Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID (as you are usually CLEVER when drunk) and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all of humanity.

Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS

As you are now a STUPID, UGLY and POOR sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK

Tragically, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause
from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and then insisting that you drink things with whole eggs/Worcestershire sauce/Oysters in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better".

You are too STUPID to know where to hide and too conspicuously UGLY to get away with it, too POOR to buy alka seltzer and too FRAGILE to hit them.

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